Mistakes are Not Failures

not a failureMistakes Are Failures When You Quit

Several years ago an on-line journalist make a mistake in the use of the word “penultimate.” People let him have it in the comments section. You would have thought he’d done something which brought the end of the world closer. He didn’t. Instead of using the word to mean “second to last,” he used it to mean, “last.” I’m assuming he continued to write, but I know people who would have quit.

People make mistakes. That’s how we learn. I bet the reporter knows how to use that word. He may also be terrified of making a mistake. So many people allow mistakes to devastate their self-image.

There are some mistakes which are devastating. You could lose a job, a relationship and, yes, someone could be killed. Most mistakes, however, aren’t of the devastating variety. They can be embarrassing, which is uncomfortable, but not devastating.

Let’s look at some ways you can handle the mistakes of life, some which can be publicly embarrassing.

Just Face it. If you’re like me, you want to avoid looking at your mistake. You don’t want to look at the feelings you’re having. It’s not that you don’t want to look at the feelings, you don’t want to feel the feeling. Stop and look and what you did or didn’t do. Acknowledge the facts to yourself. Recognize that the situation didn’t go the way you wanted.

Contemplate it. Review what what happened. When did you get the first whisper that you were on the wrong track? Did you

ignore that first inkling that something was not right? If so, get in touch with why you avoided listening to the still voice within you which said, “Pay Attention!”

Recognize that everyone makes mistakes.  No matter what anyone says to you, everyone makes mistakes, and, yes, those mistakes can be as bad or as thoughtless as yours. The difference may be that you are looking at what happened and are going to be sure it doesn’t happen again.

What part did you play in this event you’d rather not have happened? Were you the instigator or were you the one who could have said, “Stop. Let’s think this through.” You may have been the one who had no idea what was going to happen.  Was there some way you could have known?

  • If you need to make an apology or talk with someone about what happened, do so sooner rather than later. Owning up to your part and correcting what you had a hand in will help you resolve the feelings you’re having. It’ll help you learn what you can do to prevent future similar situations and move past the current event with grace and ease.

Remind yourself you’ll get through this. You’ve survived challenging times before and you will survive this. Depending upon what happened, it may take you some time to work though things, but you’ll be able to do so.

What got you through previous tough times? Did you talk to someone? Exactly how did you get through the previous  situations in your past? If those strategies helped you, apply what you can to the current situation.

Did your action or inaction have a negative effect on your overall goals? Is your objective still achievable since your mistake? You might want to change directions. Take some time to think it over.

Establish a new objective if necessary. If your previous goal is no longer achievable, where can you go from here? There is always another option. True, it might not be what you previously wanted, but you can move in another direction. What’s the best thing you can work toward now?  Once you determine your new goal, map out a plan that will move you toward happiness and success.

Get support if you’re struggling. Sometimes close friends and family will give you the support you need. Other times you need an objective third party who can help you see through the conflicting emotions. Don’t be afraid to ask for the support you need.

Look for healing. This can be with a therapist who can assist, a religious leader or engaging in healing prayer. If you don’t know how to pray for healing, learn how to use this simple 5-step Soul Healing Prayer by clicking on this link.

Keep going. As you work through the above steps, you can move forward and let go the difficult emotions of the past. Yes, your life may be changed and you’ll need to change directions. Accept that what happened and keep going. Moving forward means you’re empowering yourself to get past what you can no longer control and continue living a fulfilling life.

You can successfully rise above any situation which as occurred. Life may be very different. Find the resources within yourself you may not have known existed. You can do it!

Your Family of Origin Sets the Stage for Your Life

The Influence of Your Family of Origin

familyIn psychology we call the family who raised you your “family of origin.” The family you have now, be it through marriage, living arrangements or friends is your “family of choice.” For many, the family of choice builds upon the family of origin. For others the family of choice is as far away from the family of origin as is possible. No matter how different your family of choice is, the influence of your family of origin is with you.

How Family Sets Up Your Self-Esteem.

In a previous post, 10 Causes of Low Self-esteem, family is listed as #2. In truth, family is the #1 influence  of self-esteem. Let’s look at three influences not often addressed, and strategies to heal them.

The beginning of feeling wanted, or not, begins with the family. Were you a planned baby? Were you a happy surprise or an inconvenience? These first experiences establish whether or not you feel like you belong in the world. When you have a sense of belonging within your family, that carries over into the world. You’ll expect people to accept you and, usually, you’ll find people who accept you.

If you didn’t feel wanted, the tendency is to not want yourself. If you don’t want yourself, you manage to engage in creati

ve ways of self-sabotage from choosing the wrong partner to forgetting to turn on the alarm to get up for that big interview. After all, if your family who was suppose to want you doesn’t, then you shouldn’t want yourself, right?

Wrong! This simply means you have a challenge to overcome. Yes, a big challenge, but one you can begin to overcome by what some think of is silly, but is a rather simple action. Spend time imagining you are holding, cuddling and loving yourself at the age you need most. Having a rocking chair is an added benefit. Spend 5-minutes a day holding your younger self and telling your younger self how loved and wanted they are.

It isn’t all about your family. Your perception of being wanted has a major impact upon whether you felt wanted or not. Some first born children never get over feeling pushed out by the second child. It’s almost as if the child who feels replaced by siblings has an innate belief that s/he should have been enough. How could their parents need anyone else?

We don’t know why, but some people are born needier than others. Overcoming an innate neediness requires dedication on your part. Here is another simple strategy. This one is spiritually based and requires a belief in a Higher Power (God). Ask God to fill you with all the love you need but haven’t received. Then imagine a beautiful light coming into you filling you with love.

Did you feel like you were the wrong gender? I’m not talking about transsexual here. That is a complex topic way beyond the focus of this post. I’m talking about people who felt they were never good enough because their parents wanted the other gender. Others feel “less than” because they weren’t the type of boy or the type of girl their parents wanted.

To move beyond feeling you weren’t the “right” gender for your parents to love and accept you is to love and accept yourself. One way to begin is to look yourself in the mirror and say, “You are an amazing and wonderful (wo)man filled with love, courage, and talents.” Listing your strengths, or the strengths you wish you had, would be a great addition.

If you’re not real sure how to do it, take lessons from this little girl.

It takes determination, courage, and some suggestions, but you can overcome childhood feelings to be the wonderful you hiding within you.

Choose Your Peer Group Wisely

You Get to Choose Your Peer Group

peer groupWhen you were a kid you couldn’t choose your peer group. You were blessed or stuck with the people your parents put you with. For the most part, your parents didn’t have much choice. They placed you where they thought was best. Sometimes it was best and sometimes it was horrible.

As children, we learned, for the most part, that life was easier if we could make people happy. Other children would play with us. Our parents gave us pats on the back. What we usually didn’t share with our parents was when our peers bullied us, made fun of us and wouldn’t play with us.

Each one of those rejections caused pain. Depending upon how much we were rejected, we built up pain which we kept deep within. We carried that pain into adulthood. This resulted in becoming a people pleaser or, on the other extreme, someone who avoided others and did whatever we wanted.

Both extremes result in relationship problems.

  • We don’t know who we are because we’re trying to make others happy.
    or….
  • We alienate anyone who doesn’t agree with us and can close ourselves off to love.

Being a strong and free person includes the ability to move freely through the world without excessive concern about the opinions of others. This means we speak our truth with love and commitment. Think about the people you respect the most. Do they allow the opinions of others to dictate their decisions? Do they run over everyone to get what they want?

Be your own person by using these tips:

  1. Say what you think but do so from your heart. First know that when I say “do so from your heart” I’m not talking about emotions. I’m talking about actually bringing your attention to your heart or the center of your chest (the Heart opinionsChakra). If you’re unfamiliar with this practice, the best way to do this is to put your hand on the center of your chest and feel your hand on your chest.Now breathe while focusing on the area beneath your hand. Feel yourself calm down. Feel yourself become more grounded.This simple process has a tremendous effect upon your entire body-mind. Being centered and grounded is one. Another is your intuition opens. Now begin to share your opinion with others. Their response to you will let you know if these are people you want in your peer group of choice.
  • Start giving your opinion on smaller issues that don’t have an emotional impact for you. For example, if you’re asked what movie you’d like to see, say what you’d really like to see, not what you think they want to see.
  • As your comfort level improves, take more risks. Share how you feel about the topic. If you’ve never spoken up, then speaking up is a huge event for you.
  1. Take the time to appreciate yourself. When you’ve had a tough time in your childhood, you probably only pay attention to the negatives you came away with. Now is the time to affirm yourself.List 10 things you do well. What have other’s complemented you on? What do you enjoy doing? What makes you good at what you enjoy doing. It can be your ability to learn, eye-hand coordination, being a good listener, have an eye for detail, your love of animals.Once you have your list, take a few minutes every day reminding yourself of these things. Look yourself in your eye in the mirror and say, ” (Your name, you’re great at ______________.)
  • If you can affirm yourself, you won’t need as much affirmation from others and will be able to handle it when someone disagrees with you.
  1. You can’t make everyone happy. As much as you try, you can’t please everyone. If you find that the people you hand around with, your peer group, are never happy with what you do, you need a new peer group. You may be caught in a peer group where people are super competitive and focus on “winning” rather than supporting.Know that trying to make everyone happy leads to losing yourself. Be with people who have similar values such as respecting each other. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do need to be with people who are honest, trust worthy and respectful.

    different perspectives

  2. Few things are black and white. There are various ways of looking at the same topic. You’ve probably heard the fable about the blind men feeling the elephant and each declaring what the elephant looks like. Depending upon what part of the elephant they were touching, their perception was different.
  •  As to your peer group, even the best people occasionally do or say things most would consider to be negative. No one is perfect all of the time, including you. However, if you feel beaten down when you leave a particular group, perhaps that is not your peer group.If you reacted to childhood difficulties by isolating yourself and being angry with others, examine where you make mistakes and give people the same opportunity to learn as you do.Some people are hard on others because they’re so hard on themselves. Allow yourself the opportunity to learn and have compassion for yourself. This will help you have compassion for others.
  1. Sometimes you have to find a way to handle someone who loves to criticize. Your response depends upon the nature of the criticism and who is the critic.Many people use disapproval as a way to control others. When this is the type of criticism you face, the best response may be to repeat the criticism in your own words and say, “I respect your opinion but I disagree.” This type of critic is likely to repeat the criticism. Don’t engage in discussion, just repeat what you said before.

    With friends or someone you respect in your peer group, chances are you’ll be able to have an honest discussion with give and take. Enjoy the exchange and gain self-confidence in expressing your opinion. 

  1. Before taking an action, go into your heart and ask yourself if you’re primarily doing it to receive approval. Eliminate activities and choices driven by the need to have others think highly of you. Instead, make choices in which you’re proud of and that you enjoy.

As you have discussions with people, you can decide if you want them to be part of your peer group. No longer are you at the mercy of someone else to decide who you’re going to spend time with. Choose people who are compatible to your way of thinking and to your values. There’s no need to be in a position where you are constantly having to defend yourself.

A New Year’s Gift for You

To begin 2017 I made a short video for you. It’s not quite three minutes. Enjoy!

 

14 Habits that Help You Fall in Love with Yourself

14 Habits That Help You Fall More in Love with Yourself

Habits That Help You Fall More in Love with Yourself

Life is filled with wonder and delight when you love and value yourself.

Some people are concerned that self-love translates into selfishness. True self-love will not make you self-centered. In fact, it is those who don’t love themselves who have a tendency to be more self-centered. Loving yourself allows you to continually improve your relationship skills so that you relate well with others.

Loving oneself is difficult if you keep berating yourself, thinking poorly of yourself and doubt your ability to achieve what you most desire in life.

You hear discussions about how to have the best relationships. The primary way to have excellent relationships with others is to develop an excellent relationship with yourself. It doesn’t matter what you have or don’t have, how you look or don’t look, how you feel about yourself will determine how you feel about life.

Positive Habits

I’ve listed some positive habits you can develop which can assist you in having loving relationship with yourself. Pick one or two and practice them daily for best results.

  • Meditate or be still daily.

    Being still, doing nothing but being present to yourself is a positive daily exercise. You can release the negativity of the day and gain insights which can assist you in life.

  • Care for your health.

    Reduce your alcohol, recreational drugs (if you use them) and junk food intake. Sleep well, eat well and exercise in order to stay healthy.

  • Love your body.

    Value your body no matter how it functions or what it looks like. Accept yourself as you are. If it is something you can change, develop a strategy or find a coach or professional to assist you.

  • Tidy your environment.

    You will feel better when your surroundings are clean and organized. It always feels good when you can find what you need in a matter of seconds rather than looking for hours.

  • Monitor your self-talk.

    Use positive words and less negative words. Don’t use harsh words on yourself. I know I mention this often. It is soooo crucial.

  • Clarify your purpose.

    Be clear about what you plan to achieve in life. What are the values important to you? If you’re not living up to them, develop a plan to bring your life into alignment with your values.

  • Engage in meaningful activities.

    Focus on those activities that mean the most to you. What do you need to do to be a good leader, have a different job or develop your spiritual life?

  • Live uniquely.

    Have your own unique lifestyle. Be uniquely you. If you’re intuitive, use it. Are you handy at crafts? Do them. If you love learning new things, learn. Do what is important to you to fulfill your dreams.

  • Play.

    Open yourself to fun. Engage in fun activities with your friends, pets if you have them or your family. Learn that you can have fun when laughing at yourself. We all do things which would be wonderful scenes in a funny movie or television show.

  • Look on the bright side.

    Find the good in any situation. The silver lining people talk about can be what you learn or the new direction your life will take you.

Self-Love Habits for Challenging Circumstances

When things happen that make you doubt yourself, here are some ways to boost your belief in yourself.

Self-Love Habits for Challenging Circumstances

  • Forgive yourself.

    Don’t dwell on past errors and the wrong choices you’ve made. Learn from them so you can deal with similar situations in a positive way. Forgive yourself and let go of the past so you can start afresh.

  • Heal from heartbreak.

    The end of a relationship no matter how hard is not the end of your life. It’s not the time to feel worthless or used. Use your healing tools even as you analyze what happened. To heal wish the one who hurt you well.

  • Coping with unemployment.

    Losing your job or being unable to find one is devastating to the self-esteem of most people. Find ways to keep yourself going. Look for new and different things you can do while you are looking. Perhaps it’s time to gain new skills no matter what your age.

  • Seek healing.

    The wounds of childhood have a huge impact upon how you feel about yourself. If you were unaccepted as a child the chances are you believe something is wrong with you. Find someone to assist you. This could be a therapist, support group or coach.

Learning the art of self-love can change everything in your life. It may not change all the circumstances, but it will change your inner world. That will have a positive effect upon your outer world.

 

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11 Smart Methods to Develop Your Talents

How to Develop Your True Talents and Skills

11 Smart Methods to Develop Your Talents

It’s common for people to be unaware of their skills and talents. You’re so used to being able to do particular actions that you think everyone can. For instance, I can come up with ideas easily. I thought everyone could. I’ve discovered I have a special talent as an idea generator. In fact, I’m so good at it others can be distracted by it. They can distract me, also.

I want to give you some easy ways to discover and strengthen your gifts and talents.

Try these activities

Revisit your early years.

What did you enjoy doing the most? Are there activities you do and later put away? What made you good at those activities? These answers could contain the key to unlocking a forgotten or hidden ability.

Engage in day-dream time.

Let your mind roam and imagine what you’d like to do. I’ve wanted to learn to draw for years. I’m finally taking some art classes. I’m not very good, but, hey, I just started. Sometimes it helps to go back to your childhood and look for shapes and animals in the clouds. Research has shown this increases creativity

Take fun personality tests.

Take various personality tests and skill evaluation tests. You can take the tests online and be sure to answer the questions honest so you can get an accurate evaluation. After getting the results, check areas that are common in each of the tests, this will show you your strong points.

Ask for the opinion of others.

Your friends and family members know some of your strengths and skills. Ask them what you do best. Find the commonalities.

Review your past successes.

Write down your past successes and the methods you used to achieve successthem. Do you see a specific method or skill that is common in all your successes? You can use your achievements to learn a lot about yourself.

How are your different?

Is there anything that singles you out from others? How about a character trait you notice you have that others don’t? Is there an area people ask you to help out in often? Note these.

How do you use your free time?

What activity do you engage in during your free time? Do you work on your car or build a sculpture or create a web page? Perhaps you play video games. These interests of yours will tell you your strengths. What is it that makes you good at them?

What do you talk about the most?

Is there a topic or area that you are interested in? Why are you interested in it? Your desires are holding clues to your gifts and talents.

Where do you immerse yourself?

There could be that one thing you engage in it where time seems to disappear. It could be writing, drawing, painting, puzzles, working in the garden or other activities.

What would you study?

Given the chance to start school again, what would you like to investigate? If your answer is math, then it shows you’re very good at solving problems. Maybe you’d enjoy being a chef or learning how to lead travel tours.

Where do you receive compliments?

When people compliment you that means they admire what you are doing. You may brush off the compliment because what you’re doing comes easy to you. If it’s easy that means you have a gift in that area. Pay attention and develop it.

Knowing your talents and skills enriches your life. That knowledge allows you to investigate different strengths which could have you learning new skills or moving to a different job. It will also improve your self-confidence and self-image. Take time to investigate. This is how you may discover something absolutely amazing that brings you great enjoyment.

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10 Ways Your State of Mind Affects Your Immune System

wewae21q10 Ways Your State of Mind Affects Your Immune System

The mind and the body are inseparable. What happens to one affects the other. There is a burgeoning body of research proving this is true. This notion is contrary to what scientists used to think. Your immune system is not affected just those pesky little microbes. Stress and how you are mentally has a tremendous impact upon how you fight off illness.

A strong immune system will fight off those first cancer cells, the flu and many other illnesses. When it’s what is called flu season you want to be sure your immune system is strong. You can’t always control who you encounter who is ill. The state of your mind, however, is something you can control.

Enhance your outlook and boost your immune system:

Stress increases the level of cortisol in the body which weakens the immune system. Cortisol is great when you have a need to run for your life. The problem comes when you are under continual stress. It becomes harmful rather than helpful. When you are running for your life cortisol gives your immune system the signal it (immune system) isn’t needed. All the energy of your body is directed to running.

Stress keeps the cortisol going, which signals the immune system it’s not needed. This weakens the most powerful immune system thereby inviting illnesses.

Stress has been proven to increase the possibility of having auto-immune illnesses such as arthritis, psoriasis, eczema, asthma and lupus. The suspicion by those working in the field of psychoneuroimmunology is that stress is responsible for more physical problems than we can currently imagine.

Stress Busting, Immune Enhancing TipsEarth_globe_stress_ball

1.    Have fun and socialize with others.

Laughing and enjoying yourself decreases stress and enhances your immune system for hours. Connecting with others is a powerful way to strengthen your immune system a well helping you feel connected to others.

2.    A massage and good music in your ears could be very helpful too.

The immune system reacts positively to anything relaxing, anything harmless. Massage relaxes the muscles and releases tension. The stress is literally rubbed from your body. Enjoyable music has a positive effect upon the brain. It helps integrate the brain so it’s various parts work together in harmony.

3.    Make a list of fun things you could do, then plan on doing them.

Don’t forget things you can do in the car (music, audio books) and at work (stretching, deep breathing). Choose one or two to do daily… and rotate them for variety.

4.    Laugh.

Read the funny papers, watch funny TV shows or movies, read jokes on the internet, be around funny people who make you laugh daily. Find something that makes you laugh out loud when you’re alone. Then you’ll know you’ve found a good immune enhancer.

5.    Be grateful.

In addition to changing your mindset, appreciating the good things in your life will make your mood better and help you fight disease. I suggest having a “file cabinet” in your mind where you store the events and people who fill you with joy. Remind yourself of those you love and who love you as well as the high points of your life. Do this especially when you are having a difficult day.

6.    Positive Self-Talk.

Have you noticed how important I believe this is? Be positive in how you talk to yourself. If I say, “You can do it, Cathy,” I’m boosting me. If I focus on how clumsy I am, I knock myself down. Use positive affirmations to enhance your mood. Write out positive statements that are important to you. Feel those statements. See those statements being true for you.

7.    Set realistic goals.

If you’re out of shape you don’t want to say you’re going to run a marathon next month. You can, however, set a daily training goal which will get you to your goal but not discourage you or harm your body.

8.    Be patient with yourself and others.

Impatience brings about stress. Breathe deeply to calm yourself. Bring something with you to read if you know you’re going to have to wait in line. Use waiting time to make up stories and if you’ve followed us this far, by now, you know what that does. Stay calm in all situations as doing otherwise most times doesn’t change anything.

9.    Do things that make you happy.

Research has shown that dancing (even if you don’t do it well), singing (even if you are off-key as I am), sports and walking has a positive effect upon your brain and your mood. These activities will improve your health because you feel better emotionally.

10.    Engage in self-healing.

Past wounds can bring you down. When you keep rehashing what happened you get right back into those painful feelings. Heal and let them go. Make room for joy in your life.

Mood and mindset have a direct effect upon your immune system. Positive thoughts, happiness, and feelings of accomplishment boost your immune system. Make it a daily habit to do something positive for yourself.

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