Relationships: Don’t Destroy Your Relationship by Keeping Score

relationship score keeping

Improve Your Relationships: Put Your Score Card Away

Relationships are precious. They must be cared for like fine jewelry. Trying to keep score on who does what can kill a relationship. Keeping track of your disappointments and what the other does in return when you do something creates nothing but resentment and hostility in both romance and friendships.

All healthy relationships are a give and take. While you can expect some reciprocation for your actions a relationship is never straight 50-50. I remember my uncle saying one day, “Sometimes it’s 50-50. Other times it’s 20-80 or 80-20. Then there are those times someone is giving everything and the other nothing.” In healthy relationships it evens out over time as you become more of a giver at times and more of a receiver at other times.

Of course, as my uncle said, there are those times you’re giving 100% and the other person can’t give an equal amount. You find that in illness, infirmity or crisis such as job loss or grief.

When you and the other person give 100% of yourself to each other that is when true partnerships are made. In this article I talk about why you should put away your relationship “score card” and then strategies you can use to break the habit. This will stop making a relationship a competition and build up more trust between the two of you.

First, let’s look at why you should stop keeping that score card in your mind.

1. Keeping score weakens your relationship

Healthy relationships depend on both of you being committed to the other’s happiness. You should give because you want your partner to be happy and not because you want something in return. If you find yourself in a relationship in which you’re doing all the giving or all the receiving, then something is out of balance and needs to be addressed. Don’t do this is a “score keeping” way. Do this by expressing your feelings.

2. You’ll create self-reliance when you stop

relationship cooperationIt may seem counter-intuitive, but creating stronger ties creates independence. You enjoy the support your partner brings while at the same time take more responsibility for yourself. When you’re keeping tabs of who gives what you place a barrier between the two of you which pushes you apart from each other.

Remember, being in a relationship doesn’t mean you always enjoy the same things. You will always be two different people. As you grow and develop you may have new interests which the other doesn’t have. Find ways to share and enjoy each other. Communicate the fun.

3. Giving freely creates happiness

Being resentful disrupts how you see the world as well as your partner/friend. When you move away from keeping score you’ll see the world with different eyes and notice all the reasons you have to be happy. You’ll notice things your friend or partner does you never noticed before.

4. Time to grow up

Keeping score like this is something left over from childhood. Finding new ways to interact with people will show you far more rewarding ways to relate to others.

How to Stop Keeping Score

Some people have been keeping a scorecard for so long they don’t know how to stop. Here are a few tips.

1. Be More Grateful

Appreciation is the cure for keeping score. The more you focus on the good in your friends and family, the less you see the bad. Doing this may even show you the good things they’ve been doing that you missed because you were looking at the bad. Set your intention to notice all the little and big things the other does which are kind and generous.

2. Prioritize

You know the expression “making a mountain out of a mole hill”? Keeping score can blow small things out of proportion. Yes, you want a give and take in your relationship, but are there other things your friend or partner does which make up for what you perceive as an imbalance in the score card?

3.Improving relationships Be Generous

Satisfaction in a relationship often comes from giving, rather than receiving. Contribute more yourself and do so unconditionally. When you do give, offer a prayer or thought of gratitude that you are able to do so. See how different it is when compared to attaching strings to gifts. You’ll be delighted to see how the pattern grows and develops into something even more beautiful in your relationships.

4. Be Forgiving

Both you and your partner will make mistakes. That’s just part of being human. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, ask and give forgiveness and then move on to the next experience.

5. Respect your Differences

An interesting thing about keeping score is that you play by different rules than your friends. They may value punctuality while you feel that meeting times are flexible. They will mark against you for being late even though you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. This makes your score card unequal. Talk to each other about what is most important and adjust accordingly.

6. Be Direct

Asking someone directly for what you want is far more effective than hoping others will be able to read your mind. Let the people you love know when you need their help. Also be willing to help them out when they need it. Ask them what they need if you don’t know. Don’t try to read their mind. You might tap into the wrong mind!

7. Negotiate the Differences

While most give-and-take in marriages comes naturally (hopefully) there will be times you need to make a formal agreement with your partner. Create a list of the things neither of you particularly enjoys. This is a better way to approach the problem than arguing weekly about who does what this time around.

8. Be United

A great relationship is one where you think about how you and your partner can move forward together, not one where you focus entirely on your own personal gain. You do so much better as a team. When a challenge comes along tackle it with your partner.

9. Move On if You Must

Unfortunately not every relationship works. If you think that the relationship has become too one sided it may be time to move on. Don’t forget that you deserve love and respect. You can move forward and find better relationships for yourself after wishing everyone else well.

Remember that one aspect of a relationship is mutual happiness, not about keeping score and keeping things balanced. All romances and friendships are better when you are generous to each other. You want it to be natural, but here’s a hint: If your friend loves to receive cards, flowers, or other gifts and that is not something you think of, schedule it. Sometimes people need to be reminded to be thoughtful and it’s best to be the one to remind yourself.

Relationships are a game where the only way to win is to not keep score.

Let’s Talk Healing

Even if your relationship is 50-50 there are hurts and disappointments. It’s the emotional wounds which lead to the score keeping. The one who does most of the giving is the one who is more likely to become tired and discouraged in the relationship. The one not giving has his or her own wounds s/he’s coping with.

The simple 5-Step Soul Healing Prayer can assist you in overcoming the pain of these wounds. With healing you can quit keeping score, bring clarity to your mind and move forward in your relationships.

If you don’t yet have the Soul Healing Prayer, you may get it by clicking on the heart. It will take you to a page where you put in your name and email address. The Soul Healing Prayer will be sent to you in your email. Of course, you may simply listen to the video where I explain the prayer to you. Have paper and pencil ready to copy down the five steps.

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Learn to be Forgiving

fLearn to be Forgiving

My clients ask me, “Why must I learn to be forgiving? I didn’t do anything.”

Forgiving someone who hurts you is sometimes the last thing you want to do. You may be convinced he or she deserves all the hate you can throw at them. Forgiveness, though, is something you give yourself. If your anger is hurtful to someone else they just avoid you. When you hold a grudge against someone it’s like hitting yourself with a hammer and expecting the other person to say “ouch”.

I want to share with other reasons forgiving someone is the healthy choice to make:

  1. Living in the past ruins your present and future

A great future requires you to be focused on the present. This is something you can’t do when you live in the past with resentment. Life is happening to you right now. All the time you spend in the past is gone forever. Forgive and move on so that you can reclaim your life. You’ll feel lighter and you’ll be happier.

  1. Not forgiving creates misery

Feeling negative all the time feels terrible. These negative thoughts affect you mentally, emotionally and, yes, physically. Thinking good things creates a good mood and strengthens your body. When you look at these pluses and minuses you can see why you only hurt yourself when you hold onto animosity for someone.

  1. You become stronger

Forgiveness is a challenge. Staying angry is easy. Show yourself your inner strength by taking a deep breath and forgiving someone. Forgiveness becomes easier the more you do it. You learn to detach and let go. The added bonus is that being more forgiving changes the energy between you and another enabling others to forgive you more easily.

  1. You can change your attitude even if you can’t change the past

Why hold onto the anger? What do you accomplish by staying angry for ten more years? Your anger doesn’t harm the other person except it harms your relationship if it is someone still in your life. You can’t change the event of what happened in the past. It’s useless don’t try. Instead change your attitude and smile again.

  1. People often come back eventually

Whether you do or don’t forgive someone he or she may eventually come back into your life. That one will usually act like nothing happened because he’s over it. She may not even be aware of how much she hurt you. If you hang on to all those feelings as if your life depended upon it you’re going to feel terrible again. The sooner you release and let go of the pain the sooner both of you can move on to something new in your relationship.

  1. Everyone makes mistakesm

Everyone has done something she or he regrets. Think of some of the things you’ve done you wished you hadn’t. You can’t expect someone to forgive your mistakes if you won’t forgive theirs. It’s just not possible to live a perfect life free of mistakes. Mistakes will happen, sometimes intentionally and at other times inadvertently.

  1. Forgiving someone can be the best way to get revenge

Here’s a perverse way to look at forgiveness… and I say this with a smile. Sometimes when people upset you they do so deliberately. You may feel the need to strike back at them, but the better response is to forgive them. Show them you’re still living and enjoying better life. As I ready once, “The best revenge is to live well.” Get revenge on your enemies by forgiving them. Nothing annoys them more!

  1. Forgiveness improves your health

Being peaceful and happy is the key to a long and healthy life. Strengthen your health through forgiveness. Even the Mayo Clinic supports this idea. They say that forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, lower blood pressure, a strengthened immune system, improved heart health, and higher levels of self-esteem. What a powerful , cost-free strategy to improve your health.

  1. You can forgive quickly

While time does heal all wounds, it can also take a long time to do so. Forgiving someone can happen quickly, even immediately. Forgiving someone is the quickest way to enhance your mood after you’ve been wronged. It’s also totally free so take advantage of it. This resolves the pain of the wound quickly and you don’t have it holding you back.

Summary

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Not forgiving just damages your health and happiness and ruins your future. Be good to yourself. It doesn’t matter that it seems as if you’re letting someone get away with their transgressions. What matters is that you forgive them and release from you the pain and resentment. You might need to remember what they’ve done so you know they have that potential within them, but let the anger and resentment go.

Mahatma Ghandi put it best. He said that the weak can never forgive because forgiveness is something only the strong can do. It’s true that forgiveness takes real strength. The fastest way to heal is to forgive. Remember that forgiveness also doesn’t mean giving someone else a second chance to hurt you. It just means you’re letting go of the suffering.
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How to Relax When You Lose Control of Your Life

How to Relax When You Lose Control of Your Life

Stress Got You: How to Relax When You Feel Your Life Is Out of Control

The causes of stress will always be with you. Some people are adept at increasing their stress levels because they don’t know how to handle what is happening in life. Relaxing, which reduces the physical symptoms of stress, is a skill you can acquire. Luckily it’s not that difficult to learn how to handle stress and bring it down. Unfortunately the more stressed you are the more you have to work at bringing it under control.

Here are some of the ways you can bring down your stress levels and relax your mind and body:

  1. stretch-63869_960_720Have a good stretch

Sounds too simple, doesn’t it. Try it now. Just stand up and stretch your body for a few moments. Let the tension and stress out leave your body as you stretch. You can also give your body a good shake. If no one is around make some noise. Now get back to what was stressing you out. Give it a go. It really works.

  1. Exercise

If you can set aside a good 30 minutes then do some exercising. Walk, jog, jump up and down. If you have more time, play a game of tennis or attempt to beat your personal best in weight lifting. Think about whether you’d prefer to exercise alone or with friends and do what works for you.  You may either schedule big blocks of time once a week or small blocks of time to stretch and relax throughout your day.

  1. Music

Music can either trigger relaxation or pump you up. Some songs may make you feel great but they should be avoided when you’re agitated. Instead listen to music that soothes you when your stressed. If you do gentle exercise such as yoga and stretching, or just need to close your eyes for a moment, choose something soothing. If you want to get your body moving, put on something with a strong beat.

  1. Meditation

Meditation is something that is simple but challenging. Meditation focuses your thoughts and helps relieve tension. To meditate just focus on your breathing and, when your mind wanders, bring it back to breathing. It also helps to bring your awareness to your heart as you breathe. It couldn’t be simpler.

  1. Get help

Some people feel more relaxed when they are alone, and others feel better in the company of friends. Reach out to your friends and family if you like. Talk to them about the challenges and feelings you’re having, or use them to distract you. Have dinner with your friends and family or go watch a movie. Just make it fun.

  1. Laugh

Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Watch your favorite video or go watch a comedy show. Have fun with your friends. Read a joke book. Just find something that can make you have a good laugh. My sister, brother-in-law and I were laughing out loud watching an old Carol Burnette television show. What makes someone else chuckle may not make you chuckle.

  1. Feel gratitude

awdIt’s all too easy to forget the wonderful things you have when you face something difficult. Create a list of everything in your life you’re thankful for and feel gratitude for them. Really feel it. Reminding yourself of the good in life puts the bad in perspective.  Choose one thing a day and move into a place of deep appreciation.

  1. Have a nap

Sleeping is a great way to reboot your nervous system. Find a nice place to lie down and shut your eyes for a few minutes. If you can do it, an hour long nap can take away a lot of stress.

  1. Think yourself happy

Take the time to remember a happy thing from the past and relive it in your mind. Visualising things that make you happy is a great way to get rid of stress. Be creative in your thoughts and enjoy them.  Keep some “filed away” in your mind so you can go to them whenever you feel overwhelmed.

  1. Get rid of caffeine

Caffeine doesn’t mix well with stress. Take a break from caffeine to restore balance to your nervous system. Do you really need the extra stimulation? Try some chamomile tea. That is known to relax your body.

  1. Take in the sights and sounds around you

You can close your eyes to really listen to the world, or cover your ears to really look at the world. It might make you look a little silly. Turn off one of your senses and focus on the environment around you. This is a great method to truly be present in the moment. Focusing on your surroundings helps prevent more stress building up.

Summary

Stress is a part of life. When you manage stress you make life more fun. It’s best to get rid of stress as soon as you feel it. Stress is something powered by the momentum of your feelings. When your stress levels become too high it becomes more difficult to bring them back down. Techniques to reduce stress are for getting rid of small to moderate amounts of tension. Use them before stress can build up and cause a meltdown.

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How to Have an Active Social Life as an Introvert

tIntroverts: How to Have an Active Social Life

Introverts have an amazing impact upon the world. They have brought you Harry Potter, The Cat in the Hat, and the Theory of Relativity. They do interact with people, but do it differently than extroverts.

If you find that social situations wear you out, it may sound impossible to be introverted and have an active social life. The truth is it’s entirely possible. The key is to find a balance between introversion and being socially active. Being too social can be very exhausting for introverts. At the same time not having enough contact with others may leave you wanting more.

Don’t think that being introverted means spending all of your time alone. Introverts can and do have a healthy and active social life.

If you’re an introvert and want to know how to balance your need for alone time with a social life, here are a few strategies.

  1. Don’t pretend to be what you aren’t

There’s no need to pretend you’re an extrovert if you aren’t one. This just wears you out and makes you appear disingenuous. Pretending to be extroverted will only reinforce your belief it’s impossible to have an active social life as you are.

  1. Think about what would make your day perfect

How would your perfect day go? What is the ideal balance between people time and alone time for you? Work to create a matching level of social interaction in your real life. Also think about what you want to receive from your time with other people. Do you want new relationships? That will take more time and energy than with those you already know.

  1. Quality is Key

Introverts don’t need a large number of friends. They just want a few really good friends. Everyone has a limit on how much time they can spend with people. Introverts have a limited amount of energy that can spend on people. Plan your time and energy carefully. Having a few great relationships is better for an introvert than having a large number of casual relationships.

  1. Be willing to say no

If you aren’t feeling particularly social it’s okay to decline an offer to go out. It’s perfectly acceptable to stay at home and recharge your batteries. Going out when you’re exhausted just leaves you miserable and further depleted emotionally and physically. Take care of yourself.

  1. Be social at least once a week

Even if you already have friends you could lose the emotional connection to them by not spending time together regularly. This isn’t true for all friends. There are those you will always be deeply connected to. You will find it helpful to set time aside time once a week to meet up with your friends or to make new ones. Schedule this into your week.

  1. Join a social group

Join a social group like a club or a sporting league. Find a way to get out of the house at least once a month for a social event like this. You might enjoy a book club or one where you participate in a hobby or craft you enjoy.

  1. Meet in places that suit the level of stimulation appropriate for you

Going to a light flashing nightclub or crowded bar can easily overwhelm an introvert. Consider a different venue like a coffee shop or a bookstore with less sensory stimulation so you can have a more enjoyable time and not feel exhausted at the end. Everyone has a better time when they do things they are comfortable with.

  1. Meet one new person a month

If you don’t have any friends, make it a pattern to introduce yourself to someone new each month. This could be a neighbor, friend of a friend, someone you work with, or a complete stranger. Build a relationship with the people you like. You can let everyone else go. By the end of the year you’ll have formed the few connections you need.

  1. Learn to use open-ended questions

Introverts often find it difficult to begin conversations with those they don’t know. They prefer to listen. Develop the skill to ask questions that encourage someone else to talk. Instead of asking simple questions like where they went to college, ask them what they enjoyed most about their time there. You only need a few really good questions and, over time, you’ll build up a reputation as being great at conversation even though you never actually say much.

Summary

It’s definitely possible to have an active social life while having an introverted personality. The idea of an introvert’s social life is going to be different from how an extrovert sees an active social life. That you enjoy your life and the time you spend with your friends is what matters most. You should stretch yourself for sure, but there’s no need to make yourself miserable. Go for quality relationships with family and friends.

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Fear: 9 Ways to Push through Your Fear

Does fear paralyze you

Fear: Is It Holding You Back?

Fear really frustrates me. There are times I get so frustrated with myself when the tension in my gut keeps me from moving forward. I have a project and need to learn how to work a particular piece of technology. I keep putting it off and putting it off. I know why I put it off. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it. There is no way I’m going to find out whether or not I can do it unless I, well, just do it.

Fear is the primary reason people don’t succeed. It’s the primary reason people don’t take the first step to see if they can succeed. If you are trying to improve yourself and your life you have to confront the fear of change. Successful people are commonly the ones who are able to manage the these feelings. If you don’t find a way to manage your fear you won’t succeed.

Learning to master your fear is the great first step in improving your life. Here are nine ways to conquer your fear and become successful… then I add a bonus strategy at the end.

  1. Begin with controlling your thoughts

Fear begins with a thought. You have the power to control what you think about. Thinking about stressful things will just stress you out. Being afraid makes you less effective. It makes you feel lesser than you are. You are amazing and you just don’t know it. Control your thoughts and put yourself in the frame of mind you need to tackle the situation.

  1. What’s the worst that could happen?

Take a second to think about what the worst outcome could be. Ask yourself if you can handle it or do something to make that outcome easier to live with. If you know the worst that can happen, and you know you can handle it, then there’s nothing to be afraid of. When you prepare for the worst you find it rarely ever happens. Sometimes you’ll discover the worst just isn’t that bad.

  1. Don’t forget to breathe!

Breathe through your fearTake a few seconds to focus on your breathing. As you slow your breathing down and you slow down your mind. You know those times your thoughts are like a run-away train? Stop that train! Calming your mind down with slow deep breaths stops the running thoughts and leaves you in the present. When you get stressed a good way to fight it is to breathe slowly to a count of three, hold your breath for a count of three and then gently exhale to a count of three.

  1. What’s the best that could happen?

Instead of thinking about what can go wrong think about what can go right. Raise your expectations. Fear often melts away when you think about positive outcomes. Create the outcome you want in your mind and focus on it to get rid of your fear. Keep doing this and you will find it easier to believe that positive things can happen.

  1. Do some exercise

Physical exercise burns away more than just fat; it also burns away fear. After all it’s hard to be afraid when you’re exhausted. You can go on a run, or a walk, or just lift some weights. Whatever you do you’ll realize your more relaxed and calmer when you’re a little out of breath. The real reason you feel better is that exercise produces endorphins which lift your mood.

  1. Get help if you need it

Take the time to talk to friends or mentors, but be choosy about it. You want those who will be supportive. Try to find someone who has gone through the same things you are and support each other. Online forums are a good place to find help too. You stay anonymous as well which makes it easier to discuss your problems. There are coaches now who can give you guidance and direction. I know I certainly can.

  1. Understand that changes can cause fear

Sometimes when you feel afraid you are also excited. This is because you could be about to make a positive change in your life. You need to understand that nothing changes when you are completely comfortable with your life. So you should feel excited if a change makes you a little afraid. You really could be about to change your life for the better. Look forward with anticipation and watch what wonderful things can happen in your life.

  1. List the things that will be better if you move ahead

It can help to make a list of all the positive things that could happen if you face your fear. Think of different reasons to motivate and push you forward. If you are starting a new business for example then the positive outcomes are the potential to earn more money by doing something you love. You’ll be living your dream while also overcoming your fear and feeling great about it. Focus on these things you want to happen, not the things you don’t want to happen.

  1. Just do it anyway

Push through your fearFear may have you tied up in knots, but it is a terrible reason to not do something. Fear is usually unfounded. Stay brave and just do what you were going to do anyway. The more you do things that make you afraid the easier it is. You can build a tolerance to fear by facing it. Fear begins to dissolve. Be courageous. There is no courage without fear. If there is fear you can find your courage.

  1. Bonus strategy! Ask for healing 

Ask for healing of the root cause of your fear. You can do this with the Soul Healing Prayer. If you haven’t received your own copy, please click on this link.

Fear is often something that holds us back. It’s a roadblock you put down yourself. You need to know how to control fear so that you can move forward with your life. Feeling fear means that you’re about to make a great change. Don’t be scared by that; be excited!  Do healing work as necessary.

How to Strengthen Relationships with 7 Simple Actions

Strengthen Your Relationships Easily

Strong Relationships bring JoyStrengthen Relationships

Connecting with others is a drive within most people. That drive is the subject of almost any book you pick up and any movie you watch. The desire for connection begins the first time you looked into your parents’ eyes when you were seconds old. It continues throughout childhood, into the angst of adolescence and the chaos and turmoil of adulthood.

Sharing common interests and spending time with the one you love, be it friends, children or partners, is a part of relationship. The most integral part, however, is the emotional connection you have with the other.

People enjoy the excitement of beginning a new relationship. The problem comes when they forget that the fun things they did together at the beginning are important for the continuation of the relationship. You need to continue doing what brought you to this place in your relationship. How you do it will change, but the key is to evolve. You can increase the emotional depth of your relationships by continuing what you did when you were first getting to know each other.

Here are 7 strategies:  

  1. Take a day to be with each other. Remember when you couldn’t wait to be with each other? You wanted to be with your loved one as often as you could. People forget about scheduling all day time with each other especially when they are living in the same household. You still need that time with each other where the focus is each other. This keeps you connected to each other, strengthens your emotional connection and creates wonderful memories you can share with each other.
  • You can begin your day with your favorite breakfast or other morning activity. There may be a project you can work on together during the day. Get out of the house and your regular routine if you can. Walk in the park or play games at home. You could even clean out that overflowing closet together. The key is to be together and have a great time.
  1. Making Memories Strengthen RelationshipsCreate a special memory. Do that thing you’ve always said, “We need to do that.” If there is an activity you both enjoy such as art or scrapbooking, have fun together. Explore a state park somewhere near. You can take lessons to learn a craft or build an object of art to enjoy.
  • Relationships are deepened by having shared experiences you can look back on and remember with a smile.
  1. Share something few people know about you. Trusting someone with a secret of yours can strengthen your relationship. You’re each saying, “I trust you with a part of myself I only share with people important to me.
  • Trust is an essential part of a healthy relationship. You want to be able to share those tender parts of yourself and have confidence the other person will hold them close.
  1. Share your hopes and dreams. What do you want to happen in your life? What are you striving for? Share your dreams. Listen as your loved one shares his or her dreams. Ask how you can support each other. With mutual support you can strengthen relationships.
  1. Share your favorite books, articles and movies. Sharing what you enjoy reading and watching let’s someone know more about you in a fun and quick way. When you’re first getting to know someone, taking a look at their book shelves and reading the titles gives you an idea of his or her tastes and interests.
  • Your favorite books, articles and movies can reveal more than just your interests. They can be mirrors into your soul and reveal your thoughts, expectations, and beliefs.
  1. Discuss your past. What events in your past have been life-changing? Opening up about things which happened in the past, whether they are poignant, funny or tragic can be a bonding experience. You share who you are and what made you the person you are.
  1. Strengthen Relationships by CommunicatingStay in touch. When you can’t see each other regularly, use technology for quick communication. Don’t forget “old” methods of communication such as letters and cards. Being able to hold the words of someone in your hands is a heart-filling experience.
  • The key is to know what type of communication your loved one enjoys. If her heart swells when she receives a card from you in the mail and not when you send her a text saying, “ILY” even though your I Love You is heart-felt on your part, do what swells her heart and not yours… and let her know what kind of communication swells your heart.

 All relationships need to be nurtured with the gift of your time and communication. When you get out of the habit of doing what nurtured your relationship in the beginning, you run the risk of your relationship growing stale or ordinary. That is not what you want. Keep your love and commitment to each other vibrant by doing fun things and sharing your heart with each other.

Here’s a question for you to consider: What does it mean if you won’t do any of the seven actions discussed in this article? What does it mean about you and your relationships? Comment below.

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Fear Hides Your Personal Power

Fear Hides Your Personal Power

I write this Sunday night after participating in my Mindscape study group. Mindscape is a process of delving deeply into the interior of yourself, into your subconscious mind, and discovering the power that is there. Our instructor and guide, Angela Adkins, introduced us to the theme for tonight which wFear Hides Your Poweras “lies we tell ourselves.” We then added variations of that theme such as “truths we avoid.”

Part of the process of our Mindscape session was to talk to the aspect of our self which is afraid of the truth and then go to our healing room.

I had some deep revelations about myself and about the fear of the truth. Most important for me was that the lies I tell myself or the truths I attempt to avoid all have to do with being afraid of exercising my power, my true power. There is a false power which is the power we attempt to exercise over someone, the power to control. Our true power is that which allows us to be a Light unto the world.

Healing the Fear, Healing the Brokenness

Whenever we allow ourselves to be healed we are accepting the truth of our brokenness. It is our brokenness, it is that fear of being who we truly are, which prevents us from being the powerful people we are.

There are two extremes of lies that we tell ourselves in regards to power. One is that we are totally powerless and are, therefore, victims. We have no control over anything that happens in our lives.

manipulationThe other extreme is we believe we have to exercise power over others through manipulation or intimidation in order to achieve what we want. This particular extreme is something we are seeing in some politicians, corporate executives, bosses and supervisors, people in authority and more. You can recognize this latter extreme use of power by the broken people left in their wake.

Most of us are not at either of the extremes of lying to ourselves about power. We are somewhere in the middle, sometimes victim, sometimes perpetrator.

These perverse exercises of power, or lack of the exercise of power, are all due to our woundedness. We have to find a way to survive in this world. If we cannot connect from the integrity of our heart then we will not be able to tap into the depth of our personal power.

Each time you make a choice to heal from a particular wound you allow the Light from which you were made to shine through. If you were raised in the Christian tradition you may have heard the expression, “Do not hide your light under a bushel.” Our woundedness places us in fear of what would happen if the purity of our Light truly shown forth. Would that Light be accepted? Would someone attempt to snuff out that Light because it was too bright or threatening for them? Would we be able to get what we want from others if we do not use manipulation of some kind?

Your true personal power comes from the Love of Spirit which resides within you. The unhealed wounds which occur from the pain and suffering of life hide that Light, that true power, under thick mud. Every time you engage in healing of yourself some of that mud is shoveled off of your Light. The more mud which is removed the more your Light is able to shine through.

I remind you that you were created from infinite Love. You were created in the image and likeness of God which is Love Itself. This is why I use the term Love Incarnate to describe who you are. The Love that you are is hidden by fear which expresses itself in anxiety, envy, jealousy, anger and more. Each time you engage in self-healing you will find the level of those baser emotions, negative emotions, decrease. You will find that you have less fear leading to a lessening of the intensity of those other emotions.

There is a paradox, however. When you are in the early stages of intense self-healing, you may find that the fear increases rather than decreases. When you begin to look honestly at yourself and realize how wounded you are and how that woundedness has led you to words and actions which hurt others, you may become afraid of what it is you will truly find within you. What if you do not find Love? What if you do not find Power? What if you find that you do not like yourself? These questions may unleash more fear which is expressed in words and actions resulting in the baser emotions.

Move through your fear. Keep self-healing. Be tenacious in self-healing. Ask for the healing of the wounds which are supporting your fear in whatever way that fear is expressing itself.

I want you to know you can move through these emotions, these fears. I know this because I have done so and I am no different than you are. The themes of our stories are the same. The details and plot points are different. We all struggle to love and be loved. We all struggle to come to know who it is we truly are. We may move through those struggles in different ways, but the struggle is there.

Continue removing the mud which is hiding your Light. Take the risk to discover what an amazing and marvelous being you truly are.

If you have not yet used the Soul Healing Prayer, please click on the button belief. It is one of my main modes of healing.