The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Your Thoughts Are Indicators of Where You’re Going

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Back when I was a kid, I heard Mom and Ma (my maternal grandmother) talk about saying good things about myself. Norman Vincent Peale’s book had been popular for about a decade and people were talking about the importance of positive thinking.

Just a few years before Peale’s book, The Power of Positive Thinking, was published in 1952, sociologist Robert Merton wrote an article (1948) coining the term “Self-fulfilling Prophecy.”  If you tell yourself you’re going to fail, then fail you will because that is what you said you were going to do.

I rarely hear the words “self-fulfilling prophecy,” but the concept is everywhere. Your thoughts program your mind. This concept has been around for thousands of years, back to the ancient Greeks. Now, with modern technology, we can measure the chemical and physiological changes in the body directly caused by thoughts and feelings.

In the article Low Self-Esteem: 10 Causes, what you think about yourself is one of the causes of low self-esteem. When you reinforce the negative things people may have said about you, or what you think about yourself, you’re setting yourself up for the unintended consequence (another or Merton’s concepts) of feeling miserable about yourself and sabotaging yourself.

It’s time to change thoughts and behaviors

It’s time to take control of your life and bring more joy into your every day existence. You have more power than you think! Your can make major changes in your life by taking action to change what is happening in your mind.

Get into the habit of practicing these behaviors to gain control over your thoughts – and your life:

• • • Acknowledge your feelings. Be honest with yourself about what you feel. None of us like to feel miserable. We dislike it so much we do everything we can to avoid facing those feelings. Face your feelings. Admit what they are and where they come from. Only by being honest with yourself can you change what is causing them.

   

  • Be realistic about what you can and can’t do, and the time frame needed.
    
    I certainly have the ability to drop the extra weight I’m carrying. There is no way I’m going to change the thick bone structure and short stature I was born with. Know what you can change and what you can’t. Accept, make a plan, and then move on.

 

• • Get support. Discuss your feelings with close friends or family. Sometimes an objective third party is needed.There are times we need the voice of someone not emotionally involved in our lives to give us a different perspective. If your family and friends are supportive, you might not believe what they say about how wonderful you are because, “they’re supposed to love you.”

 

• • Just stop it. When you catch yourself engaging in the negative thinking, tell yourself, “Self,  just stop it. This hasn’t gotten you anywhere, let’s try something new.”  Have what I call a file cabinet in your mind. Form a visual image of a file cabinet. Think of something wonderful, a happy memory, and see yourself put it in the file cabinet. When you catch yourself in negative thinking, stop, go to the file cabinet and pull out the memory.

• Take one action each day which moves you closer to what you want in life. Make that one phone call. Go on that one walk. Make a list and then check something off each day. Just get the momentum going.

It’s time to develop a new self-fulfilling prophecy for yourself. Keep that in your mind.

If you need help to get rid of those negative thoughts, let’s work together and get you going on a positive self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Pulse Nightclub Verdict: An Indictment of All Who Perpetrated the Lie

I’m taking a break from my series on self-esteem and self-confidence to talk about the verdict of Noor Salman, the wife of the man who killed 49 and wounded 53 members of the gay community. We were told she helped plan the attack. The trial, however, showed there was no evidence of her guilt except what turned out to be a coerced confession.

If you read the article in Huffington Post and other news accounts, you will learn how the prosecutor lied to the judge… who stopped the trial and sent out the jury when he found out about the lie. You’ll read about how the press, the people, the government jumped to conclusions and fed us a bunch of bull which many chose to believe if the case was of interest to them.

How Could It Have Been Random, and Yet It Was

Technology ended up finding her innocent. There was nothing in her social media history, nothing in GPS data that said she’d been near the Pulse Nightclub. In fact, there wasn’t anything that said her husband scouted out the venue or even knew it was an LGBTQ night club.

There was nothing in his social media or GPS that said he scouted Pulse. What we’d been told about him being a closeted gay, been on Grindr. The only pornography was of older women. His Internet history was of ISIS not gays.

He wanted to kill people at the Disney Springs shopping and entertainment center. There was too much security. He was ready to kill so he drove around until he found Pulse. When he got there he asked a security guard where all the women were.

The horror of the carnage of a marginalized group in our society being targeted was too much for anyone to believe it was random, and yet it was.

The randomness doesn’t take away the horror of that night. There had to be an explanation and there wasn’t. It just was. The randomness of the event must be difficult for those who lost loved ones that night and for those whose lives were changed irrevocably.

Someone had to pay for what happened and the shooter was dead. People wanted someone to publicly pay so the government settled on the wife who turned out to be a victim herself of an abusive man filled with anger and hate.

Do You Believe the Convenient or Look for the Truth

Noor Salman was jailed for 14 months on a lie and separated from her son because the government didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. The press didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. We weren’t given the truth.

This case was not something in the forefront of my life. I was horrified of all the deaths and injuries that night, but I was only vaguely aware of what was happening with Noor Salman.

What we were fed by the media about this case, and what we are continually fed by the media, has me making these observations:

1. Unless we’re able to investigate for ourselves, we don’t know the truth about anything that is written.
2. Just because “everyone” says it’s true doesn’t make it true.
3. We must be vigilant about how easily we are swayed by what is in the media.
4. We must be vigilant to keep our own prejudices, and we all have them, from obscuring the truth.

Unless we have a way of knowing the truth, we will never know all the facts about someone. No one will ever know all the facts about us. We always keep things hidden from others and from ourselves.

The Importance of Judging Only when We Must

If you seriously consider it, there are very few times we need to judge someone other than ourselves and situations in our family.

• We need to judge or decide whether a belief or an action is appropriate for us. That is about us.
• We need to judge or decide whether someone, a job, an institution is appropriate for us. That is about us.
• We need to judge if we’re on a jury. (I’ve been on three.)
• We need to make a judgment in order to vote.

The only time we have all the information is when we our actions and beliefs are involved. Even then we hide things from ourselves.

The primary focus of my life is my spirituality. This case is an example of why the exhortation, “Judge not…” is true. Of course there are times we must, but those times are few.

 

 

Mistakes Are Failures When You Quit

Several years ago an on-line journalist make a mistake in the use of the word “penultimate.” People let him have it in the comments section. You would have thought he’d done something which brought the end of the world closer. He didn’t. Instead of using the word to mean “second to last,” he used it to mean, “last.” I’m assuming he continued to write, but I know people who would have quit.

People make mistakes. That’s how we learn. I bet the reporter knows how to use that word. He may also be terrified of making a mistake. So many people allow mistakes to devastate their self-image.

There are some mistakes which are devastating. You could lose a job, a relationship and, yes, someone could be killed. Most mistakes, however, aren’t of the devastating variety. They can be embarrassing, which is uncomfortable, but not devastating.

Let’s look at some ways you can handle the mistakes of life, some which can be publicly embarrassing.

Just Face it. If you’re like me, you want to avoid looking at your mistake. You don’t want to look at the feelings you’re having. It’s not that you don’t want to look at the feelings, you don’t want to feel the feeling. Stop and look and what you did or didn’t do. Acknowledge the facts to yourself. Recognize that the situation didn’t go the way you wanted.

Contemplate it. Review what what happened. When did you get the first whisper that you were on the wrong track? Did you

ignore that first inkling that something was not right? If so, get in touch with why you avoided listening to the still voice within you which said, “Pay Attention!”

Recognize that everyone makes mistakes.  No matter what anyone says to you, everyone makes mistakes, and, yes, those mistakes can be as bad or as thoughtless as yours. The difference may be that you are looking at what happened and are going to be sure it doesn’t happen again.

What part did you play in this event you’d rather not have happened? Were you the instigator or were you the one who could have said, “Stop. Let’s think this through.” You may have been the one who had no idea what was going to happen.  Was there some way you could have known?

• If you need to make an apology or talk with someone about what happened, do so sooner rather than later. Owning up to your part and correcting what you had a hand in will help you resolve the feelings you’re having. It’ll help you learn what you can do to prevent future similar situations and move past the current event with grace and ease.

Remind yourself you’ll get through this. You’ve survived challenging times before and you will survive this. Depending upon what happened, it may take you some time to work though things, but you’ll be able to do so.

What got you through previous tough times? Did you talk to someone? Exactly how did you get through the previous  situations in your past? If those strategies helped you, apply what you can to the current situation.

Did your action or inaction have a negative effect on your overall goals? Is your objective still achievable since your mistake? You might want to change directions. Take some time to think it over.

Establish a new objective if necessary. If your previous goal is no longer achievable, where can you go from here? There is always another option. True, it might not be what you previously wanted, but you can move in another direction. What’s the best thing you can work toward now?  Once you determine your new goal, map out a plan that will move you toward happiness and success.

Get support if you’re struggling. Sometimes close friends and family will give you the support you need. Other times you need an objective third party who can help you see through the conflicting emotions. Don’t be afraid to ask for the support you need.

Look for healing. This can be with a therapist who can assist, a religious leader or engaging in healing prayer. If you don’t know how to pray for healing, learn how to use this simple 5-step Soul Healing Prayer by clicking on this link.

Keep going. As you work through the above steps, you can move forward and let go the difficult emotions of the past. Yes, your life may be changed and you’ll need to change directions. Accept that what happened and keep going. Moving forward means you’re empowering yourself to get past what you can no longer control and continue living a fulfilling life.

You can successfully rise above any situation which as occurred. Life may be very different. Find the resources within yourself you may not have known existed. You can do it!

The Influence of Your Family of Origin

In psychology we call the family who raised you your “family of origin.” The family you have now, be it through marriage, living arrangements or friends is your “family of choice.” For many, the family of choice builds upon the family of origin. For others the family of choice is as far away from the family of origin as is possible. No matter how different your family of choice is, the influence of your family of origin is with you.

How Family Sets Up Your Self-Esteem.

In a previous post, 10 Causes of Low Self-esteem, family is listed as #2. In truth, family is the #1 influence  of self-esteem. Let’s look at three influences not often addressed, and strategies to heal them.

The beginning of feeling wanted, or not, begins with the family. Were you a planned baby? Were you a happy surprise or an inconvenience? These first experiences establish whether or not you feel like you belong in the world. When you have a sense of belonging within your family, that carries over into the world. You’ll expect people to accept you and, usually, you’ll find people who accept you.

If you didn’t feel wanted, the tendency is to not want yourself. If you don’t want yourself, you manage to engage in creati

ve ways of self-sabotage from choosing the wrong partner to forgetting to turn on the alarm to get up for that big interview. After all, if your family who was suppose to want you doesn’t, then you shouldn’t want yourself, right?

Wrong! This simply means you have a challenge to overcome. Yes, a big challenge, but one you can begin to overcome by what some think of is silly, but is a rather simple action. Spend time imagining you are holding, cuddling and loving yourself at the age you need most. Having a rocking chair is an added benefit. Spend 5-minutes a day holding your younger self and telling your younger self how loved and wanted they are.

It isn’t all about your family. Your perception of being wanted has a major impact upon whether you felt wanted or not. Some first born children never get over feeling pushed out by the second child. It’s almost as if the child who feels replaced by siblings has an innate belief that s/he should have been enough. How could their parents need anyone else?

We don’t know why, but some people are born needier than others. Overcoming an innate neediness requires dedication on your part. Here is another simple strategy. This one is spiritually based and requires a belief in a Higher Power (God). Ask God to fill you with all the love you need but haven’t received. Then imagine a beautiful light coming into you filling you with love.

Did you feel like you were the wrong gender? I’m not talking about transsexual here. That is a complex topic way beyond the focus of this post. I’m talking about people who felt they were never good enough because their parents wanted the other gender. Others feel “less than” because they weren’t the type of boy or the type of girl their parents wanted.

To move beyond feeling you weren’t the “right” gender for your parents to love and accept you is to love and accept yourself. One way to begin is to look yourself in the mirror and say, “You are an amazing and wonderful (wo)man filled with love, courage, and talents.” Listing your strengths, or the strengths you wish you had, would be a great addition.

If you’re not real sure how to do it, take lessons from this little girl.

It takes determination, courage, and some suggestions, but you can overcome childhood feelings to be the wonderful you hiding within you.

You Get to Choose Your Peer Group

When you were a kid you couldn’t choose your peer group. You were blessed or stuck with the people your parents put you with. For the most part, your parents didn’t have much choice. They placed you where they thought was best. Sometimes it was best and sometimes it was horrible.

As children, we learned, for the most part, that life was easier if we could make people happy. Other children would play with us. Our parents gave us pats on the back. What we usually didn’t share with our parents was when our peers bullied us, made fun of us and wouldn’t play with us.

Each one of those rejections caused pain. Depending upon how much we were rejected, we built up pain which we kept deep within. We carried that pain into adulthood. This resulted in becoming a people pleaser or, on the other extreme, someone who avoided others and did whatever we wanted.

Both extremes result in relationship problems.

• We don’t know who we are because we’re trying to make others happy.
  or….
• We alienate anyone who doesn’t agree with us and can close ourselves off to love.

Being a strong and free person includes the ability to move freely through the world without excessive concern about the opinions of others. This means we speak our truth with love and commitment. Think about the people you respect the most. Do they allow the opinions of others to dictate their decisions? Do they run over everyone to get what they want?

Be your own person by using these tips:

1. Say what you think but do so from your heart. First know that when I say “do so from your heart” I’m not talking about emotions. I’m talking about actually bringing your attention to your heart or the center of your chest (the Heart Chakra). If you’re unfamiliar with this practice, the best way to do this is to put your hand on the center of your chest and feel your hand on your chest.Now breathe while focusing on the area beneath your hand. Feel yourself calm down. Feel yourself become more grounded.This simple process has a tremendous effect upon your entire body-mind. Being centered and grounded is one. Another is your intuition opens. Now begin to share your opinion with others. Their response to you will let you know if these are people you want in your peer group of choice.

• Start giving your opinion on smaller issues that don’t have an emotional impact for you. For example, if you’re asked what movie you’d like to see, say what you’d really like to see, not what you think they want to see.
• As your comfort level improves, take more risks. Share how you feel about the topic. If you’ve never spoken up, then speaking up is a huge event for you.

2. Take the time to appreciate yourself. When you’ve had a tough time in your childhood, you probably only pay attention to the negatives you came away with. Now is the time to affirm yourself.List 10 things you do well. What have other’s complemented you on? What do you enjoy doing? What makes you good at what you enjoy doing. It can be your ability to learn, eye-hand coordination, being a good listener, have an eye for detail, your love of animals.Once you have your list, take a few minutes every day reminding yourself of these things. Look yourself in your eye in the mirror and say, ” (Your name, you’re great at ______________.)

• If you can affirm yourself, you won’t need as much affirmation from others and will be able to handle it when someone disagrees with you.

3. You can’t make everyone happy. As much as you try, you can’t please everyone. If you find that the people you hand around with, your peer group, are never happy with what you do, you need a new peer group. You may be caught in a peer group where people are super competitive and focus on “winning” rather than supporting.Know that trying to make everyone happy leads to losing yourself. Be with people who have similar values such as respecting each other. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do need to be with people who are honest, trust worthy and respectful.

   

4. Few things are black and white. There are various ways of looking at the same topic. You’ve probably heard the fable about the blind men feeling the elephant and each declaring what the elephant looks like. Depending upon what part of the elephant they were touching, their perception was different.

•  As to your peer group, even the best people occasionally do or say things most would consider to be negative. No one is perfect all of the time, including you. However, if you feel beaten down when you leave a particular group, perhaps that is not your peer group.If you reacted to childhood difficulties by isolating yourself and being angry with others, examine where you make mistakes and give people the same opportunity to learn as you do.Some people are hard on others because they’re so hard on themselves. Allow yourself the opportunity to learn and have compassion for yourself. This will help you have compassion for others.

5. Sometimes you have to find a way to handle someone who loves to criticize. Your response depends upon the nature of the criticism and who is the critic.Many people use disapproval as a way to control others. When this is the type of criticism you face, the best response may be to repeat the criticism in your own words and say, “I respect your opinion but I disagree.” This type of critic is likely to repeat the criticism. Don’t engage in discussion, just repeat what you said before.

   With friends or someone you respect in your peer group, chances are you’ll be able to have an honest discussion with give and take. Enjoy the exchange and gain self-confidence in expressing your opinion. 

6. Before taking an action, go into your heart and ask yourself if you’re primarily doing it to receive approval. Eliminate activities and choices driven by the need to have others think highly of you. Instead, make choices in which you’re proud of and that you enjoy.

As you have discussions with people, you can decide if you want them to be part of your peer group. No longer are you at the mercy of someone else to decide who you’re going to spend time with. Choose people who are compatible to your way of thinking and to your values. There’s no need to be in a position where you are constantly having to defend yourself.