Love: Are You Struggling with Believing You Are Loved?

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Gather LoveIt is the first day of 2016 and I am struggling with the concept of Love.

I’m not struggling with what love is. I am struggling with am I loved.

I know in my heart that I am loved. I can point out examples of people loving me. I can also relate experiences on the spiritual level which are amazing displays of love.

But, somehow, that ability to KNOW I am loved to the depths of my being is elusive.

From working with people as a therapist since I was in my early 20s I know I am not alone.

Love: The Difference between Want and Need

I remember working with a couple where the husband was struggling with his fear of his wife leaving him because she did not need him financially.

She kept telling him, “I don’t need you. I want you.”

For the longest time he couldn’t get past that her choice was based upon a desire to have him with her rather than a financial need that bound her to him.

I’m not sure what she said or what I said that penetrated his fear of losing her, but suddenly his face changed and he relaxed. His expression bordered on awe. He finally got it. I don’t know how long he was able to hold onto it, but that day he finally got it that his wife wanted him. That wanting was more precious than her staying with him
because she needed him.

Most of us have moments in which we feel loved and appreciated. The cares of life seem to chase the memory of those moments away. The people who love us “forget” to express their love and appreciation of us to us. We forget to do the same.

As I was reflecting upon this I imagined how different this world would be if everyone knew how loved they are.

Love and BeliefsLove: We Don’t Have the Same Beliefs and Needs

I realize not everyone believes in God. Not everyone believes there is an ultimate being who created this amazing world of ours. I definitely know not everyone, in fact few people, shares the same perspective I do about God, creation and life.

How can people who don’t have the same concept of God or Universal Energy be able to comprehend my concept of love and life?

I do know that even if those who do not look at life the way I do still struggle with love and acceptance. Some people look for it in relationship with others. Some look for it in power. Others believe they have  found it in money or material goods.

I’m a relationship person and believe that relationship, be it with people or God, is the most crucial. I have a difficult time… Actually that’s not true… I find it near impossible to understand how people are content or fulfilled with power or material goods. I’m sure they find it near impossible to understand me.

Our beliefs and our desires form us. The stronger our beliefs and desires the more difficult it is for us to understand
another person’s perspective. Yet, I believe I am called to accept others where they are.

Part of loving another is acceptance. I may not agree with them and I may not choose to be with them because of their choices in lifestyle, but as one who strives to love, I work to accept them as they are. (Even though I may try to change them with argument and discussion <grin>) I strive to recognize each person is created in the image and likeness of the same God I was created.

Would the world be better if we all accepted people as they are?

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FAQs: How to Change Your Life

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ChangeHow to Change Your Life

You can make a choice to change your life on any day, any minute of your life. With 2016 within spitting distance, now is a good time to make those changes in your life you’ve been saying, “Soon.”

To get you started, let me answer a few questions which may spur you on your way.

  1. Do I have an accurate view of the world?

If you spend any time on social media, you are aware of the many different views of the world. People not only express their opinion, they usually do so loudly and with great certainty. How do you know what’s correct?

First know there will always be differences of opinions. You need to be sure you are informed on the issues. Don’t just read about or listen to one perspective. Read varying opinions then go into your heart and ask which is according to your personal values.

  1. Where will I be in five years if I continue the way I am?

Do you like where you are now? If you don’t like where you are now, you need to evaluate what has placed you in the position you are in. If it is a particular behavior, such as procrastination, what can you do to change it?

Ask yourself the following questions about your current actions. Your answers will give you an idea of what will happen to you if you continue the way you are.

  • What did I eat today? Will this pattern of eating bring me long term health?
  • How did I manage my money today? Will this pattern of money managements bring financial security?
  • What social activities did I engage in today? Will these activities engender social connections in my life?
  • How much exercise did I get today? Will this give me a healthy body?
  • How did I treat people today? Will my behavior enhance my relationships?

3. Should I change my career?

Are you happy? Are you challenged? Are you doing something you value? Having multiple careers is common today. If you’re in a career you don’t enjoy, you have other options. If you don’t know what you would like to do, I would suggest taking a series of aptitude tests to discover where your natural talents lie.

4. I’m unhappy. What is causing the problem? Becoming happier isn’t just about adding all the right components. It’s also about getting rid of what makes you miserable. Are there toxic people in your life? Can you release those relationships? Is it your health? Develop a plan to improve your health. Are you holding onto past wounds? Time to let those go and move on with your life.

5. How can I enjoy life more? What are your priorities? If you don’t know, sit down with pen and paper and list the ways you are spending your time. Are you happy with where you are allocating your time? What changes do you need to make? How can you rearrange your time so that you are spending it on what is most important to you?

These FAQs will give you a start in evaluating where you are in your life right now. You are the one who has the power to change things. Do you want the changes enough to take action? Isn’t now an ideal time to move in the direction which would bring you greater happiness?

Fear of Failure: How to Push through Fear

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Fear of Failure

What is the Fear of Failure

Have you ever had that gut-wrenching fear of failure tie you in knots?

If you define success by the inner quality of feeling proud of your accomplishments, I believe everyone wants to be successful.

Many people who look outwardly successful have an emotional program of fear of failure running in the background of their lives.

For successful people this fear propels them forward. They do everything they can to be sure failure doesn’t catch up to them. The problem is they will make decisions based upon what they don’t want to happen. In other words, they are always looking in the rear view mirror attempting to outrun failure rather than looking ahead to the successful outcome of their actions.

The “rear view mirror” outlook is not a pleasant one. There is a vague, and sometimes profound feeling of discontent and anxiety that failure will overtake them. They “see” in their mind’s eye all they have accomplished laying in shards around their feet.

This is not happiness. There is no Joy in focusing on outrunning that which you are attempting to avoid. There will always be this dissatisfaction driving them to the next activity so they can feel secure, successful. The problem is that as long as the fear of failure is what drives them, there is no safety, no security.

Depending upon how strong the fear is, judgment can be clouded resulting in bad decisions made impulsively. This can make the fear a reality.

The Power of Focusing on Success

Runners are told to never look back and see who might be catching up with them. That second of changing their focus from the finish line slows them down enough where the person one-step behind could pull ahead.

Always focus ahead.

When you’re focusing on success you’re not imagining what you do which can go wrong. You’re focusing on those actions which will move you forward.

This is huge when you realize the role of your subconscious mind in failure or success.

Your subconscious mind doesn’t care whether you fail or succeed. That’s because it only does what it thinks you want it to do. If you are holding failure in your mind, that’s what you subconscious mind thinks you want. It will do everything it can to make that happen for you.

Ahh, but if you hold success in mind, then that is where your subconscious mind will lead you.

Align Your Subconscious Mind with Success

Let’s look at some ways to get your subconscious mind on board with what you want.

Define Success

You have to realize your subconscious mind is concrete. It doesn’t deal in abstracts. If  you say you want to succeed and then move into fear by imagining all that can go wrong, then that is how your subconscious mind will define success. Not what you want!

Give your subconscious mind actual cues of what success means to you.

Vision BoardsRoad to success

This is easy and it’s fun. You may have heard about constructing a vision board. That’s where you cut out
pictures and words and put them on a poster board. The very process of looking for images and sayings of what you wants assists your subconscious mind in knowing what you want.

Post your vision board where you can see it. But, don’t just look at it. Imagine your are experiencing every one of those things on your vision board. If you put a boat on your board then feel yourself on it, the wind in your face, the warmth of the sun. Feel the joy!

Mental Images

These are mental vision boards. I suggest you have several. I’ll tell you why in a moment.

Construct a mental success image now. Yep, right now. It won’t take long.

What do you want to accomplish? See you accomplishing it. If you want to run and complete a marathon, see yourself crossing the finish line. Hear people cheering your success. Feel the sweat dripping down your body and the smile on your face. Feel the emotion of success. Revel in that emotion of success. Hear what people say to you about your success. Hear you congratulating your success.

Now form another mental success image. Perhaps it’s learning a craft. My example will be making jewelry. Bring to mind a piece you’d like to make. Feel the completed gorgeous piece in your hands. Hear people ohh and ahh when seeing it. Again, feel that satisfaction in your body.

Everyday bring to mind these mental images in all their sensory detail. Tell your subconscious mind, “This is success.” Then go into the image, feelings, sounds, tastes and smells.

Use these images any time fear of failure rears it’s ugly self-confidence draining ugly head. Tell that fear, “Liar. This is where I’m going.” Then bring those images to mind.

You can do this. Get rid of the rear view mirror and move forward to success!

I’m cheering you on.

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How to Criticize or Avoid Criticism

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Avoiding CriticismThe image tells you exactly how to avoid criticism. Yep, don’t do or say anything. Oh, wait, that won’t work either, will it? You’ll then be criticized for not doing anything.

All of us criticize people. We may not do it to the individual directly. Sometimes we do, especially if criticism, hopefully constructive, is part of our job.

Let’s chat about how to give constructive criticism.

Providing constructive criticism requires you being balanced within yourself and clear about what you want to say. You want to be helpful, but you know some people accept criticism and others are offended by even the mildest form of criticism.

Providing constructive criticism in a positive and helpful manner is a skill. Like any skill it is something you can learn. You can learn how to criticize.

Let’s look at some strategies on how to criticize:

  1. Be sure what you have to say is helpful. You can say something which is true, but is not in any way helpful. If the person can’t do anything about what is happening, your criticism is not helpful In fact, it might be a form of bullying.
  •  Even if the criticism is helpful, that doesn’t mean someone will take it well. Be prepared for a tearful, angry or hostile response.
  1. Be sure you’re the right person to provide the criticism. What is your past history with the person? Has it been supportive or hostile? If you have a tumultuous history with the individual, unless your job position calls for it, find someone else to deliver the message.
  1. Be specific. Giving specific feedback is helpful. The other person has a specific goal or strategy s/he can focus on. Provide suggestions on how to overcome the situation.
  1. Right Time and PlaceChoose an appropriate time and place. Provide the feedback privately and out of ear-shot of others. Also, as much as possible choose a time the person is doing well. You don’t want to deliver criticism when the individual has just been diagnosed with an illness or received disturbing news.
  1. Remain factual and unemotional. Just give the facts and the solution. Even if you are upset, keep your tone even. In fact, wait until you’ve cooled off if you are upset.
  1. Focus on behavior. Avoid value judgments. Telling someone they’re sloppy is an insult. Telling them their tennis backhand technique is inconsistent addresses the behavior. Don’t make it about a personality characteristic. Make it about a behavior.
  1. Which is better? “Please pick up your dirty socks” or “Why are you a slob?” You’ll receive a very difference responses to the questions..Be Pleasant Everything is easier with a pleasant expression and a smile. Use open body language with your arms by your side, not folded over your chest. Be sincere. This means you need to be sure you don’t have an ulterior motive.
  1. Begin and End with a Positive. Say something positive or give a complement before giving your criticism. Begin your constructive criticism with a positive tone of voice. End the criticism with another compliment. You want the person to be receptive and make positive changes. By beginning and ending on a positive note, the individual is more likely to take your words to heart.
  1. Just Give One. Even if you have 20 things you could discuss, keep your comments limited to the one at a time, or two relevant ones. Begin with the ones most easily corrected. This helps him or her be successful. You don’t want to overwhelm the individual. That will leave him or her feeling helpless. You want them to be their best. This builds trust. Then you can give more serious criticisms which will be easier to accept if s/he trusts you.
  1. Use humor. Be lighthearted if appropriate. Humor can makes things easier. You could relate an amusing story about the mistakes you’ve made. This can ease any tension or embarrassment.
  1. Know when to stop. Watch reactions. It will be obvious when s/he’s had enough. You’re wasting your time and making a bad situation worse by continuing. You can find another time and place to revisit the issue if needed.

These tips can be used with your children, employees, or a significant other. There is no need to give criticism to casual strangers. That’s simply bullying. Providing criticism appropriately is a skill worth learning. There will be a time someone close to you or someone you’re responsible for is driving you crazy. Learn these skills before you lash out in a way which is detrimental to you both.

If you find you have difficulty is giving or receiving constructive criticism, let’s set up an time we can do some healing of the underlying wounds. Often a simple 30-minute session can do wonders. Click here to contact me. This link will take you to my website.

3 Easy Ways to Tap into Your Joyful Heart

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Your heart on Joy

3 Easy Ways to Tap into Your Joyful Heart

Are you ready to tap into your joyful heart?

In Traditional Chinese Medicine says that your heart holds the emotion of Joy. It also holds the emotion of sadness. It isn’t unusual for us to get caught in the sadness and allow it to hide the joy which is our birth right.

Yep, Joy is your birthright. You were made to live in Joy, to enjoy.

The problem is that our lives become filled with the mundane things of life. We’re so busy juggling tasks and responsibilities that we don’t make time to do what brings us happiness. We don’t take the time to en-Joy what is around us.

Did you know that not having joy in your daily life has been known to lead to unhappiness?

In fact, a lack of joy in your daily life can have long term negative consequences to your health.

Consider the symbolism of a hurting heart. A physically hurting heart can lead to cardio-vascular problems including heart attacks, high blood pressure, heart murmurs and more.

One of the best ways to prevent physical heart problems is to have a life filled with joy. There is medical research to back this up.

Several well-known studies have found that positive emotions, including joy, have a profound positive effect on your health. One such study entitled “Positive Emotion and Health: Going Beyond the Negative,” was published in the July 2005 issue of Health Psychology. This research study found:

Having joy and optimism provided a 51% reduction in the rates of heart disease among men who were followed for 10 years during the study.

Although women weren’t studied, you can be sure positive emotions such as joy and hope would reduce our incidence of heart disease as well. Those emotions also protected the individuals from high blood pressure, diabetes, and upper respiratory infections.

Pretty cool, don’t you think?

No pills neededNo medication needed. Simply add joy, delight, and hope and move about your life.

Let’s talk about three easy ways to notice where Joy is hiding in your life.

How to do it!

I’d like you to choose one of the three methods below and DO IT today. They’re simple. You just need to be aware.

  1. Take time to appreciate and delve in activities that delight you.You know that energy lag in the middle of the day? The one where you get coffee or something sweet? Yes, that one.

Try this instead. (You can easily do this at work.) Bring to mind something you enjoy. It could even be something you haven’t done in a while. Close your eyes and imagine yourself doing it. If it’s hiking, immerse yourself in your last hike. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Feel those feelings of joy, delight and contentment.

If you enjoy making things, imagine yourself in every step of putting together something.

Whenever you feel your energy beginning to dwindle during the day, take a break and focus on something that brings you pleasure.

Be sure and schedule a time for you to physically do what you’re imagining.

  • Give yourself permission to have little “joy breaks” throughout your day. Focus on family, friends, a favorite memory. These will instantly lift your mood, as well as reduce stress and recharge your energy.
  • Simple things like savoring a cup of your favorite tea (I’m a tea person) or coffee, or reconnecting with an old friend have the ability to bring you joy.
  • Take time each day to focus on those simple activities that make you feel happier. You will benefit greatly and so will your heart.
  1. Be Joyful!Count your blessings. When things get tough and you feel overwhelmed, take 60 seconds and list as many blessings as you can think of. Focusing on the people, things and activities in your life which are going in a positive direction. Allow your heart to fill with appreciation.
  • Feeling and expressing gratitude are very powerful. When you take time to reflect on better times in the past, what’s going well now, you can instantly lift your mood. This gives you the strength to keep working towards your goals.
  • Consider keeping a “blessings journal.” When life gets so difficult you can’t think of one thing to be thankful for, pull out your blessings journal and read it. This will help lift you up and encourage you during the difficult times.
  1. Change things up and do something new. The same ol’ routine can make life dull and unexciting. Why not try something completely different to rediscover your joy?
  • Your imagination is the only limit. You can explore a new route to and from work, do that one thing you’ve always said, “I need to…” Try a new recipe. Change your daily routine where possible.
  • Consider learning a new skill or hobby. If you don’t have a hobby in mind, try something you wanted to do as a child or before life got so busy. Did you dream of traveling to a faraway country in the past? Go online and explore places you’d like to visit. Consider taking classes to learn that country’s language and then plan a trip.

They key is to make time for laughter and fun throughout your day.

You will you rediscover your joy, strengthen your health, and increase your own happiness. You’ll also discover an increase in energy and you’ll be happier.

Your positive outlook will have a positive effect upon others around you. Your increased joy might lead to increasing their level of joy, too… and we know the world certainly needs more of that!

To heal those wounds which limit your joy, get the 5-Step Soul Healing Prayer.

Know What’s in Your Heart: The Power of Thoughts and Feelings

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booksHave you ever had a deep heartfelt revelation by reading fiction?

I wasn’t reading the book, but listening to it on audio.

I’m on one of my cross-country trips which covers about 6000 miles. I discovered it takes me about 16 ½ hours to go from Sedona Arizona to Houston Texas.  I know that because it took me a half-hour longer to get to Houston than my audio book lasted. A friend of mine had convinced me to listen to audiobooks as I’m traveling because it makes the time go by faster. She was certainly right.

Before the trip I stopped off at the Sedona library and selected six audiobooks only to discover five was the limit. The books that took the most time to listen to with the ones I selected.

My first selection was Bridge of Dreams by Anne Bishop. Turns out it was the last book in a series of five
or six of her Emphera series. There was enough information included in the story that I didn’t feel I missed anything.

What touched me was the premise of the book. It was about a world in which there are physical manifestations of what is in your heart. For instance, if you had anger rocks popped up in your garden. If you were wicked plants which stunk to high heaven popped up when you were nearby.

When people were taking their leave they were told “Carry your heart lightly because what is there becomes part of your landscape.”

Landscape, as used in the book, is taken literally. Boulders and flowers and trees can all appear based upon what you wish for in the deepness of your heart. In the book they are called Heart wishes.

What is in your heart?

Red_HeartThink about what is in your heart. I’m talking about the things you attempt to hide from others. You may smile sweetly as you tolerate someone else, but what if what you were carrying in your heart manifested physically. You wouldn’t be able to hide from anyone what you had in your heart.

The truth held in this book of fiction was not new to me, but I certainly needed to be reminded of the truth in a deep way.

I can try to hide from people what I actually feel about them or a particular topic, but my heart reveals my truth. If my heart changed the landscape around by sprouting flowers or raining down rocks people would know what my truth was no matter what I said.

We can fool others about what is in our heart. We can even fool ourselves about what is in our heart. We cannot fool Spirit or The Universe.

Instant feedback on what is in your heartmark-804935_1280

There is a form of technology known as biofeedback. In all probability you have heard of it. The biofeedback machine gives instant data on your heart rate, blood pressure and other functions of your body as thoughts and feelings go through you. Research has demonstrated that when you have instant data on how your thoughts affect your heart rate or blood pressure, you are then able to control your thoughts and, thus, your blood pressure more easily.

If you had rocks popping up around when you are angry or smelly plants following you along if your heart was filled with wickedness, then you would be less likely to be able to fool yourself into believing you were calm and peaceful.

Words are creative forces, but it is the energy behind those words which supply the creative power.

Consider the scenarios of when someone says “I love you.”

In the first situation someone you dearly love is looking into your eyes with a gentle smile saying those three powerful and beautiful words. You may have been waiting for months to hear them from this beloved person. Imagine how that feels?

Now consider the scenario in which someone you dearly love is tapping messages on to his or her phone and says “I love you” while tapping. How does that feel?

In this last scene imagine your beloved screaming in anger the words “I love you.” How does that feel?

All three of those different scenarios use the same three powerful words. Their effect, however, is dependent upon the energy behind the words. The full energy of love enters into you when someone has his or her full attention upon you and is professing his or her love.

When someone distractedly says “I love you” you don’t know if the words are directed at the phone or the television.

When those three powerful words are said in anger, they remain powerful, but the energy is painful and contrary to the feelings of love.

cactus-633827_1280If plants, rocks, boulders or suffocating thorny trees popped up when we expressed our feelings, we would be more aware of what was truly in our hearts. If our physical landscape actually changed when we made wishes as in “I wish he wasn’t here,” we would become aware of what our emotion behind our words can manifest.

Spend time today being aware of what is truly in your heart. What is the emotion behind your words and actions? What would your physical landscape look like as you go about your day? Are you producing sweet smelling and beautiful flowers or are you producing a horrible smelly plant such as the corpse flower?

Once you become aware then you are able to make changes in your thoughts and feelings. Awareness, mindfulness, produces a deep change within the heart if you are so willing.

Learn how to heal the wounds which cause the things in your heart you don’t want.

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Childhood Abuse: How Trauma Is Fixed in the Body

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indexHow Trauma Is Fixed in the Body

It isn’t unusual for me to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep for a while. When that happens I usually pick up a book and read for 30 minutes to an hour. Last night I picked up Peter A Levine, PhD’s book In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. It only took me a very few minutes to realize I had a jewel of the book regarding trauma.

All of us experience trauma at some point. Unfortunately, many people experience the horrendous trauma of rape, incest, physical abuse, war, severe injuries and such. Almost everyone experiences the receiving of tragic news, illness, surgery and similar incidents which occur in life. I want to use the example of childhood abuse, it doesn’t matter what kind, as an example of how PTSD begins.

When you’re confronted with something you are afraid of, your body goes through some natural reactions. We call this the fight or flight response. There’s another aspect of this response known as “freeze,” the deer caught in the headlights  reaction. When the alarming situation is over the body releases the built-up tension. This is when a shivering or shaking takes place. Many people experience their teeth chattering. During this time the heart rate and blood pressure, which had been elevated, decreases. As long as the body is able to release the built-up tension, the trauma is not set in the body. This means there will not be long-term psychological problems due to the incident.

In order for the body to “return to normal,” the individual needs to feel safe. The fight or flight response will continue to be active as long as the individual is in fear.

Let’s look at childhood abuse. If the parent or caregiver grabbed a child and beat him with hands, fist, belt or other objects there is definitely trauma. Often the child has no idea why this is happening. The youngster could be doing something which, in his or her mind, is perfectly innocent, but the parent or caregiver interprets otherwise. If there is not someone available to take care of or comfort the child after the abuse, then there is no return to safety. The terror the young one experienced, as well as the rage and anger of the perpetrator, remains lodged in the body.

As often happens in childhood abuse there is no one there to provide safety. There is the active perpetrator and the passive one. The passive one, usually the mother, may stand there and cry during the incident, but does absolutely nothing to protect the one being abused. Even if she holds and comforts the victim at a later time, there is no return to safety. There is only the belief he or she is alone and no one cares.

The end result is a developing individual filled with anger, defensiveness and the knowledge that he or she must be his or her own protector. This, of course, interferes with all future relationships. If there is a sense of safety, it is fragile and can be easily destroyed.

There is hope and treatment for PTSD. The most successful treatments incorporate somatic,  energetic and spiritual therapies. The key is to release what is now fixed in the body and assist the individual into returning to a place of safety.

The primary techniques I would use our The Body Talk System, PSYCH – K and the use of the Soul Healing Prayer. Body Talk assist in releasing the pent-up energy in the body and releasing the body from its step position in the fight or flight response.

PSYCH-K will remove the limiting beliefs which were implanted during the abuse or trauma, as the situation may be. For example, “The world is not safe,” would be replaced with “I am safe.”

Use of the The Soul Healing Prayer will assist in bringing the spiritual healing necessary from the  abuse.

There is much of this work which can be done on a one-on-one basis via the telephone or Skype.  Please go to my website www.OdysseyToWholeness.com to learn more. You may also email me at Cathy@OdysseyToWholeness.com.